Transforming Mother-Daughter Relationships Through Emotionally Focused Therapy & Inner Child Work

Being human is a unique experience rooted in the bond between one’s parent or caregiver and child. Out of all the species on the planet, the human connection is the most complex – it’s in the way we experience thoughts and emotions; how our minds, bodies, and souls make sense of ourselves and others. 

One of the most interwoven relationships is between a mother and daughter; shaped by the shared experiences of both biological chemicals and societal systems. Consider a mother’s experience of perimenopause occurring the same time her daughter is experiencing puberty. Add on top of that the expectations placed on girls for how they are meant to behave; often taught to them by a mother who had it taught to her likely by her own mother. It’s no wonder repeated conflict, distress, animosity, hurt, and disconnection develops. 

In recent years, psychologists in the mental health field have seen a rise in mothers and adult daughters seeking therapy together more so than any other dynamic between a parent and child (e.g., father-daughter, mother-son, father-son). This suggests mothers and adult daughters show a desire to improve their connection and heal past hurts. 

Throughout my clinical work, I’ve found two therapeutic approaches to be the most effective in supporting this process. In this post, I’m going to introduce those two modalities and explore how they work within the mother-daughter dynamic. 

Healing Generational Wounds: Reweaving Mother-Daughter Attachment Patterns

At the very foundation of every relationship is the attachment formed between two individuals. At birth, the biological focus of attachment is primarily one of surviving. As you grow into an adult, the focus expands to include thriving. The type of attachment you experience as a child will shape what you experience as an adult, both in the patterns with your mother and any other relationships you cultivate. 

As a daughter, it can be easy to get caught up in what your mother has done wrong. I encourage you to consider that attachment is passed down through your lineage from one generation to the next. What do you know about how your mother was raised? Your grandmother? Your great-grandmother? 

Think about the values, beliefs, rules and expectations your parent(s) or caregiver(s) instilled in you; be curious where they came from. Every one of us is exposed to conditioning and the way our brains are wired means we teach what we’re taught. Your mother did not receive a how-to manual when you were born. Sure, there is an abundance  of written material about how “best” to raise a child (much of which either contradicts one another or has been debunked), but there wasn’t anything written about you specifically. Consider that your mother did the best she could with what she was given by her mother. And if what she was given was something she would never repeat, that meant she had to figure out how to do something different despite not having experience herself. 

If you’re a mother, all of this applies to you as well.

Breaking the cycle isn’t easy. It’s filled with trial and error, unhealed wounds, habits that can be hard to break. It takes courage to unravel the misaligned patterns of relating and reweave the bond for secure attachment. As part of thriving, there is an innate desire for security in each connection we form. 

When mothers and adult daughters enter therapy, I’ve found the most effective way to reweave the bond is with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and to heal the wounds formed in childhood with inner child/parts work.

How EFT Creates Safe Mother-Daughter Connections Through Attachment Healing

Developed in the 1980’s by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT was originally designed to be used in therapy with couples. It was expanded by Dr. Leslie Greenberg to be used with individuals and has also proven to be effective with families. The approach follows an attachment-based humanistic model with the premise that humans are wired for connection, and the quality of a bond is rooted in the formation of that connection. It’s important to note that EFT emphasizes the pattern of communication as the problem, not the individual(s) or the relationship.

When a wound occurs in a relationship, safety and security are in immediate jeopardy. How you cope with a wound in the present will depend on the patterns that established during the formation of your attachment style as a child. At any given moment, you’re doing the best you can to get your needs met and your behavior is rooted in what you learned at a young age would result in the least painful outcome. Consider your typical way of responding. Do you push further? Give up? Do you not even try to begin with? Or pursue an unhealthy avenue? 

As you reflect on your automatic response, reflect on the following questions: How old were you when you learned to respond that way? How long and often have you been repeating that pattern? 

This is what we refer to as an inner child wound. Each time something occurs in the present moment that is reminiscent of what occurred when you were a child it’s as though the scab gets picked off and the wound is reopened. How you coped then is how you are primed to cope now. 

The primary focus in EFT is to create a “safe haven” and a “secure base.” Three aspects that support that creation and define the quality of a bond are a person’s accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement. In other words, whether a person has the capacity to be present with and accepting of uncomfortable feelings and compassion for the vulnerability that arises. Secure connection is lost when any of these three aspects are absent. 

If you think back, again, to when you were young and you experienced an uncomfortable feeling that you attempted to share with your mother, how did she respond to you? How much and how well did she listen? Did she give you space to express your feelings? What did you learn about your needs in those moments?

The Mother-Daughter Struggle: Over-giving, Boundaries, and Emotional Needs

The feminine has historically been seen as the caregiver of both the physical and emotional needs of others in society. Girls learn this at a young age and are often, inadvertently, given the responsibility of taking care of others. Oftentimes young girls find themselves responsible for their siblings and frequently tracking the needs of their parent(s), particularly their mother. As years go on and the habit of sacrificing personal needs anchors deeply, hyper-independence forms. Young women develop the belief that she should be able to handle everything all the while keeping a smile on her face. This expectation was placed on her by society and likely demonstrated to her by her own mother. Before she knows it, resentment, frustration and burnout seep in. The responsibility becomes too much; distancing and shutting down replaces over-giving. 

As a result, when someone asks, “what do you need?” it can feel really overwhelming. This question is connected to a complex string of emotions, beliefs, and patterns. Knowing what you need and being able to articulate it requires slowing down, being present with all that is felt in your body, taking a risk to share it out loud, and trusting your vulnerability will be met with openness. 

If this resonates, I’d venture to say that the majority of time the reason you struggle with effectively expressing your feelings, thoughts, and needs is the fear of being rejected and abandoned. Anxiety trips you up and avoidance keeps you quiet. Being vulnerable with another person doesn’t inherently feel safe because you have no control over how they will respond. You're craving for external validation and not being abandoned by someone outside of you gets in the way. And if there is a pattern already in place that has demonstrated to you that it doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable then that adds to the struggle. 

Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachments are often linked to codependent behavior. In mother-daughter relationships, this is one of the main culprits of conflict and ruptures in the bond. There is a focus on ensuring the needs of another person are met as the marker for personal safety. As a mother, the other person is your child. As a daughter, the other person is your mother. One way to think about this is, “In order for me to be happy and safe, I need to make sure you are happy and safe. My happiness is dependent on yours.” A mother who learned to take on the pressure of responsibility to care for her own mother then teaches her own daughter to do the same.

EFT and Inner Child Work in Action

When we understand how the wounded pattern formed, we can meet it and each other with presence, compassion and acceptance. It’s easy to forget both mother and daughter were just children when their attachment styles were established. This is the point where I find acknowledging the inner child wound and listening to the unmet need begins the process of deepening connection to a more secure bond.

To best understand how this works, I’d like to walk you through a scenario using the two main characters from the movie “Because I Said So.” If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that Daphne (Diane Keaton) is the loving, but overbearing mother of three women. Daphne fears her youngest daughter, Milly (Mandy Moore), will make the same mistakes she did in love, so she secretly places a personal ad and subsequently screens the men on a quest to find her daughter the perfect partner. Milly is unaware of her mother's scheming as she begins dating two different individuals, one unknowingly hand selected and the other previously rejected by her mother. Through her journey, Milly realizes she has to choose between being the daughter her mother wants her to be and being the woman, she wants herself to be. This mother-daughter dynamic is tested as you watch boundaries being crossed and voices being ignored. Both mother and daughter engage in behavior rooted in past wounds; from their individual upbringing and how they have learned to cope over the years. 

With that context, imagine Daphne and Milly have entered therapy to address the conflict they continue to experience and the distance that has formed between the two of them. Daphne says she only wants what is best for Milly and wants to be close with her again. Milly says she wants Daphne to respect her life choices and trust she knows what is best for herself. The therapist invites each person to focus on the emotions and body sensations they experience when sharing their wants. Daphne says she feels sad and notices an ache in her chest. Milly says she feels frustrated and notices a tightness in her shoulders. When asked to notice how old they each feel, they both respond with feeling young (perhaps Daphne identifies age 12 and Milly identifies age eight). Daphne goes on to say she fears failing and Milly says she fears not being enough.

Both Daphne and Milly are encouraged to stay present with their younger selves and offer compassion to those parts. This might sound like, “I hear you, it makes sense why you would feel scared of that.” As they’re each curious about what need is not being met, Daphne identifies her inner child needs permission to make a mistake, and Milly identifies her inner child needs permission to choose herself even if someone else doesn’t agree. As each woman anchors in acceptance of this newfound awareness, Milly is encouraged to share her fear with Daphne and process what it’s like for her to share her vulnerable truth. Daphne is then encouraged to process what it’s like to receive Milly’s vulnerable truth. The experience is repeated with Daphne sharing her fear with Milly.

Now that they have both provided each other with accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement they have better capacity to collaborate on solutions that allows for both of their needs to be met within their relationship. 

Mother-Daughter Healing: Building Compassion, Vulnerability, and Secure Attachment

Mother-daughter relationships are a tapestry woven from biology, upbringing, societal expectations, and personal experiences. The patterns of attachment formed in childhood often dictate how we show up in these relationships as adults, shaping our ability to give and receive love, express needs, and feel secure. Yet, these patterns are changeable. 

Through approaches like EFT and inner child work, mothers and daughters can uncover the roots of their conflicts, acknowledge unmet needs, and create space for vulnerability, compassion, and understanding. Healing these bonds requires courage and patience, but the reward is a connection that is more authentic and deeply fulfilling.

Written by Natalie Seibel, LPC, who specializes in guiding women to reclaim their power through the identity shifts over their lifespan, particularly with shame that manifests as procrastination, perfectionism, people pleasing, control, and doubt.