How to Build Self-Esteem in Times of Stress

Self-esteem is widely understood as foundational for our well-being. Not to be confused with self-worth which is a personal evaluation of your value, self-esteem is defined as your confidence in your qualities and characteristics. Self-esteem is recognized as a source of resilience to conquer goals and challenges. 

And yet, it can be so hard to believe in yourself when everyday situations challenge your self-esteem. Hurtful words from others can cut deep. Feelings of disappointment in ourselves can arise when we fail at a task. Tendencies to compare ourselves to others can come up when we perceive someone to outperform us. Additionally, marginalized individuals who experience discrimination face larger risks of negative impacts to their sense of worth and value. So how do we stay steady with a firm sense of self when we’re faced with so many obstacles?

What is healthy self-esteem?

Healthy self-esteem includes feelings of self-confidence, security, and belonging. Studies show that students with higher self-esteem are more willing to try new things and can recover from setbacks more readily. People with strong self-esteem acknowledge their shortcomings and feel capable of handling them. High self-esteem can even help with motivation and setting appropriate boundaries in relationships.

People with lower self-esteem, on the other hand, may have a harder time recognizing their own worth, tend to compare themselves to others, feel little control over their lives, and lack self-trust. Negative self-talk can lead to a vicious cycle of making yourself feel bad for shortcomings, causing a fear of failure and reluctance to pursue opportunities, which then intensifies the negative self-talk.

How to develop a kinder inner voice, especially when feeling overwhelmed

Self-compassion

Perhaps unsurprisingly, positive self-talk comes from having compassion for yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff, a renowned self-compassion researcher, describes self-compassion as being kind and understanding to yourself when confronted with your failings.

Self-compassion contains 3 elements:

1. Self-kindness - Think of a time you felt compassion for a dear friend who was suffering. How did you treat them? What did you say to them? What was your tone?

   Being warm and supportive to ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate puts us in a better place to cope with challenges or make positive change.

2. Common Humanity - When we suffer or make mistakes, we often have an irrational sense of isolation–as if “I” were the only person in this world to suffer in this way, or that “I” am the only person who is this flawed. Self-compassion recognizes that our suffering and imperfection is a universal human experience and actually connects us to others.

3. Mindfulness - Holding a balanced and mindful approach to suffering allows us to consider our pain in the present reality without over-identifying with difficult thoughts or feelings. This, in turn, allows us to respond with more understanding and less judgement.

Curious to test your levels of self-compassion? Try out this self-test to identify your strengths and consider potential skills to develop.

Distancing from Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts, such as “I’m a failure,” can be powerful and all-encompassing to the point of appearing as truth. A practice called cognitive defusion can help you gain distance from unhelpful thoughts so you can observe them more objectively rather than drowning in the thoughts. Over time, this practice can help decrease how believable negative thoughts are. 

Some examples of this practice include:

• Label the process of thinking. For example, “I am having the thought that I’m a failure.”

• Thank your mind for coming up with an interesting thought.

• Sing the negative thought to a silly tune, such as “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

• Say the negative thought out loud in a silly voice or accent.

• Repeat a word from your negative thought, such as “failure,” over and over again until it loses its meaning and only the sound remains.

Each of these practices allows you to create some distance between your thoughts and your experience, leaving space for intentional positive thinking.

Positive Affirmations

With practice, the habit of thinking negatively can be replaced with the habit of thinking positively. Positive affirmations are short statements you can tell yourself for a little boost of confidence when you’re feeling challenged or low on self-esteem.

Positive affirmation examples include:

• I have done hard things in the past and I can do them again.

• The challenges I experienced in the past have made me more resilient.

• I will try my best or I am doing my best.

• I’m allowed to feel negative feelings. That’s a very human and normal experience.

• The hardship I’m facing is temporary.

• Anxiety is uncomfortable, but it’s not dangerous. I’ll make it through this.

• I will be okay.

• It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s very human to do so. Mistakes will also help me learn and grow.

Positive affirmations can be used for big things like preparing to give a speech to a big audience or coping with an intense panic attack. They can also be helpful in smaller but still stressful things like parallel parking. Check out this podcast from NPR’s Life Kit that discusses “Tiny pep talks for everyday problems.”

How do I sustain a kind inner voice?

Developing a kinder inner voice and healthier self-esteem is an ongoing practice. It takes intention, awareness, and effort to convert a new skill into a steady habit. Also, note that the journey to building your self-esteem can be filled with ups and downs depending on what comes your way. However, self-compassion is something we all deserve.

If you find that you could benefit from additional support on this journey, individual therapy can be a great resource to have a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore your inner voice with curiosity and kindness. If you’re interested in working with someone on the North Star Therapy Collective team, reach out here. Online therapist directories such as Psychology Today can be a helpful resource to find potential providers.

Written by Cassie Liu, LPC, who supports AAPI individuals and couples navigate life transitions and cultural complexity to build confidence and strengthen relationships.