Unmasking Shame: How to Release Its Grip and Unlock Your Full Self | Part 2, Perfectionism

Of all the ways we cope with shame, perfectionism has the most weight. Brené Brown, PhD calls perfection the 20-pound shield, noting it becomes more trouble than is helpful. In Part 1 of this blog series, I explored the pressure that ensues when we attempt to avoid shame. Perfectionism results in the greatest amount of pressure one can experience.  

To be perfect means to never make a mistake or fail, to always get it right, to be the best from the very start. In the depths of my own perfectionism, I used to say, “If I can’t get it right the first time, it’s not worth doing.” Where and from whom did I learn to say that?

As we know, shame constantly checks  the “worthiness” meter, and perfection is the top metric. 

In this blog post, we’re going to explore:

1. How you learn perfectionism

2. The emotions that feed it

3. Thoughts that keep you stuck

4. Beliefs that develop from your thinking

5. Self-compassion as an antidote to shame

My desire is to help you reclaim your worthiness in a way that allows you to set down perfection and experience the freedom of your authentic self.

It’s Not How You Were Born, but What You Were Taught

It’s unlikely someone has ever told you outright that you must be perfect. You also weren’t born with shame tied to perfection. You learned this link by watching those around you and unknowingly mimicking their behavior. It was taught to you in the feedback you received about your own behavior and the way people interacted with you.  

Imagine this: You’re 10 years old and have your report card in your backpack to bring home to your caregiver. You’ve already looked at it, noting the handful of A’s in the subjects you know you’re good at while also seeing the barely passing grade in math. You know math is hard for you; you pretty much hate the subject and often wonder why you don’t understand it. The conversation your caregiver has with you includes praise for the A’s and then quickly hones in on the lower grade. You get peppered with questions, “What happened here? What aren’t you understanding? Have you asked your teacher for help?” Perhaps harsher language is used.

Now zoom out from this scenario. Can you imagine what your younger self started to believe about you? What meaning did you make? Can you recognize how a need to be perfect might have risen from this? What emotion was present then? Can you feel it now?

The Pursuit of Perfection to Prevent Embarrassment

You may not have ever heard the words, “You need to be perfect,” but the message was clear. Remember, humans are meaning-making machines, particularly when any uncomfortable or painful emotion shows up. Also remember, shame is constantly on the look out for anything that could jeopardize your safety. If there is even an inkling of a possibility that you could be unworthy or unlovable in the face of failing or making a mistake, shame will convince you to act perfectly; be perfect. 

Shame uses specific body sensations to prompt you to seek perfection.

For example, when you feel your face turn red, you avert your eyes, and your shoulders dip down, the emotion most tied to those body sensations is embarrassment. As shame senses this emotion, it quickly says to you, “Look out! Others are going to find out you’re not good enough! Make sure you’re perfect and you will be loved.” 

Perfection becomes the quickest way to cope with avoiding the shame that stems from embarrassment.

Perfectionism: A Shield Against Being Left Behind

As humans, we are wired for connection and attachment. Shame capitalizes on the threat (real or perceived) of disconnection and abandonment.

Maybe you’re familiar with the phrase, “You are your own worst critic.” There is something to that. You likely wouldn’t fathom repeating what shows up in your thoughts about yourself out loud to others. This is how shame works; it keeps you quiet. Shame suggests that if people knew about the parts of yourself you believe are unlovable they would find you unloveable and you’d possibly lose a relationship. 

Although perfectionism is one of the most intense ways shame uses judgment and criticism, it really is trying to keep you safe from loss of connection and abandonment. Shame’s primitive function is to help keep you connected in your relationships and in society as a whole. It harkens back to hunter-gatherer days when getting kicked out of the tribe puts you in jeopardy of surviving on your own. 

Shame is a helpful self-monitoring system, but gone unchecked it can create more issues than necessary. If shame is the decision maker with a focus on perfection, it’s important to know it will always lead to more judgement and criticism; more embarrassment; more shame; more perfection. It's a truly vicious cycle.

Moving Beyond the Fear of Not Being Enough

Perfection keeps you stuck. It shows up as the risk you won’t take; the action you won’t start. It’s “what if something goes wrong” and you experience a level of pain you can’t survive? As I explored in Part 1 of this series, shame’s purpose is to protect you and its best mechanism for pulling you away from any threat (real or imagined) is to convince you of your unworthiness. Perfectionism tells you the only way to be worthy is to be perfect. 

A part of you knows perfect is impossible. This is why you end up stuck. It sounds counter-intuitive but being stuck is better than being abandoned or worse, not alive. 

Most of us who experience perfectionism hit a point where we’re tired of being stuck and recognize the drive toward perfection is exhausting.

Many people experience a moment when they're ready to take action on their goals in order to experience their desires and dreams; even at the risk of failure. Most of us just don’t know where to start.

A Kinder Way to Approach Shame and Perfectionism

One approach I have found that does a phenomenal job at quieting shame and softening perfectionist behavior is self-compassion.

You may have heard of it before. I see it often mistaken for positive affirmations – the idea of saying good things about yourself. But positive affirmations have a limit; what happens when you don’t believe them? 

Try telling yourself the following sentences for a moment and see what you notice: I love myself. I’m smart. I’m talented. I’m lovable. I’m worthy of love.

Do you actually believe these statements? Did they bounce right off of you? Or did you find yourself arguing with yourself about if they’re true or not?

The problem I find with positive affirmations is they automatically move you into “fix it/solution” mode and minimize the emotion you’re currently experiencing. Oftentimes, when we offer ourselves these affirmations a small part of shame is still active. As a result your mind will respond with some version of “yeah but” and you’re right back where you started.

With self-compassion, the focus is on kindness, connection to others through our shared humanity, and present-moment curiosity. You do not search for a solution. Instead, self-compassion invites you to allow the feelings, sensations, and thoughts to be present exactly as they are. All of this counteracts the need to be perfect.

Now try this on for a moment and see what you notice: I’m allowed to feel embarrassed for making a mistake. It could happen to anyone. I know I’m capable of learning from this experience and doing it differently next time. 

Does anything feel different from the previous statements? What happens to perfection? Maybe something? Maybe not. In either case it’s okay.

Practice Makes Progress not Perfect

There are many ways to practice self-compassion. The co-founders of Mindful Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Chris Germer, have some great exercises and resources I would encourage you to check out. Here, I’m going to provide two practices that are commonly utilized in the therapeutic world and I have personally engaged with for many years. These can be used separately or combined together.

Practice #1: What would you say to a child or friend?

Previously we discussed how you’re unlikely to talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself. This exercise is great at helping identify what you would say to someone else experiencing the exact same situation as you when it comes to making a mistake, failing, taking a risk, fearing rejection, and more.

Think of a difficult situation you’re in or have been in. Notice how you respond to yourself. What words, emotions, body language are present? If it’s helpful, you can write down the thoughts/beliefs you say to yourself.

Now, imagine a child or friend you care about telling you about the exact same situation you’re in. What thoughts, feelings, urges, and body language come up as you listen to this dear child or friend? You may also want to write down what you find yourself drawn to say. Remember to focus on empathy and compassion first before considering any solutions. Allow the imagery of the child or friend to dissolve and connect with this for yourself. Can you receive the compassionate words for yourself that you identified for someone else? 

Practice #2: Phrases to repeatedly practice

Speaking with self-compassion is like learning a new language. You won’t be fluent in it overnight and it will likely feel uncomfortable in the beginning.

Here are some self-compassion phrases to get you going:

• “I’m allowed to feel _____.”

• “It’s okay that I feel _____.”

• “It makes sense I feel _____.”

• “Everyone experiences _____ at some point in their life. It’s okay that I’m experiencing this now.”

• “I’m human and it’s okay for me to make mistakes.” 

• “I’m capable of learning from this experience. What can I identify that went well and what do I want to do differently next time?”

Research has suggested that it’s also really helpful to come up with your own phrases. The more individualized they are to you, the more believable they will be. 

Keep in mind, you may find yourself wanting to get it perfect! You may find yourself being hard on yourself when you forget to practice or don’t think you did it well enough. Part of unlearning perfection is knowing it’s going to continue to show up and responding to that perfectionism with kindness and compassion. As a recovering perfectionist, I continue to experience my own perfectionist moments and bring myself back to self-compassion on a regular basis. I anticipate it will be a life-long journey for me. It may be one for you, too.

A Sneak Peek at Part 3

While reading this blog you may have found yourself wondering if perfection is related to people-pleasing. I find they often do go hand-in-hand. Stay tuned for Part 3 of the series which will explore how shame and people-pleasing work together.