Unmasking Shame: How to Release Its Grip and Unlock Your Full Self | Part 3, People-Pleasing
- Natalie Seibel, LPC, LMHC
- Nov 11, 2025
- 9 min read
Being human isn’t easy. We are social creatures with an expanse of complex emotions and a longing for connection. Our experiences run a spectrum of polarity – fear and faith, pain and pleasure, shame and authenticity, ego and heart. On one end, we’re designed to protect ourselves and on the other end, to take risks. Over time, our actions can be conditioned to lean one way or the other.
One of the most prevalent ways we can be conditioned to cope with uncomfortable dynamics in a relationship with another person is to engage in people-pleasing. When shame is in the driver seat, people-pleasing is its best tool to keep you connected, which ultimately feels like it’s keeping you safe and protected. But at what cost?
In this blog post, I’m going to share with you:
What people-pleasing is, what it looks like, and how it develops
The emotion it helps you avoid feeling in an effort to keep you safe
The consequence you may not be aware occurs as a result
Practices that can support you in living as authentic of a life as you desire
By the end of this post, my hope is you’re able to move closer to coming home to yourself and connecting to others in ways that align for you, first and always.
People-Pleasing Defined
There are many ways to define people-pleasing. Related to co-dependency, I see it as putting the needs of others before yourself to ensure they are happy (with you). This is done in order to maintain your own sense of safety and connection.
Here are a few ways people-pleasing can take shape:
Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” but believe you can’t because it would upset the other person
Giving a lot of yourself (possibly overgiving) and hoping the other person recognizes all your effort because it would show you’re worthy and lovable (which leads to burnout)
Keeping your thoughts to yourself because you’re trying to avoid an argument
Making a dishonest statement rather than speaking the truth because you want to avoid conflict
Defaulting most of your decision making to another person; asking them what they want and following along even if it’s not what you really desire
To be clear, wanting others to be happy isn’t inherently wrong. But it’s important to consider whether your actions are benefiting both sides. If you’re unsure, ask yourself the following:
Are your own needs being met?
Do your relationships satisfy you the majority of the time?
How often do you feel frustrated, bitter, resentful, or hurt when thinking about what you give to others versus what you receive?
The Biology of Connection
All mammals on this planet have one thing in common – survival is linked to connection with another. We know this is true from the research done decades ago by Harry Harlow. And, it’s illustrated in the movie “Cast Away” with Tom Hanks. We also know there are specific hormones, oxytocin in particular, that aid in this connection.
We aren’t meant to move through life alone; it goes against our basic instincts. So it makes sense that people-pleasing developed as it safeguards connection. But that doesn’t always mean the connection is healthy.
I often share with my clients that your fear and pain and shame and mind don’t care if you’re happy in life; they really only care if your heart is beating (aka surviving). Your faith and pleasure and authenticity and your heart, on the other hand, are willing to take risks in order to thrive.
The task becomes determining what kind of life you desire to live and if you’re willing to set down people-pleasing to discover a more aligned way to be in relationship with others.
How Shame Uses Disappointment to Fuel People-Pleasing
When it comes to connection, disappointment is one of the most painful emotions you can feel.
As I have mentioned in Part 2 of this series, shame uses multiple tactics to keep you safe and protected. Shame will use disappointment as the metric to determine the likelihood of you experiencing abandonment. In childhood, disappointment most often presented with discipline; getting in trouble for a behavior that went against a rule. Punishment automatically activates the threat response in your body.
Of course you want to avoid pain; it’s in your biology. People-pleasing becomes the strategy to avoid feeling disappointment (shame’s way of warning you against any action that could lead to disconnection) and ultimately abandonment.
But what happens when you repeatedly avoid the abandonment of others by putting their needs before your own?
Avoiding the Abandonment of Others: The Impact (or consequence)
Disclaimer: What I am about to discuss can be hard to receive as I find it’s a topic that doesn’t feel good to sit with. As you read, please be gentle with yourself and remember you have always done the best you can to take care of yourself with the knowledge and tools you had at any given time. This moment is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and make a decision about how you want to best support your needs going forward.
In all my years as a therapist working with individuals and people-pleasing the one conversation we inevitably have is identifying that you are the one in the relationship who is ultimately abandoning yourself. This realization is deeply painful. It hurts to acknowledge that you abandon yourself each time you people-please in an effort to avoid being abandoned by someone else.
This is exactly why I say shame is insidious because the idea of self-abandonment likely didn’t even cross your mind.
When I asked at the beginning of this post about the cost of people-pleasing, this is what I meant. Self-abandonment will keep you safe and protected against disconnection, but it’s linked with anxiety, depression, insecurity, self-doubt, low self-esteem, decision paralysis, interpersonal conflict, substance use, and much more. It’s often at the root of why most people seek professional mental health support, without even knowing it.
To shame, none of the above is a problem. You’re alive. That’s all that matters, right?
I understand if you’re saying, “No! That’s not all! I don’t want to abandon myself anymore! But I also want to be connected in my relationships. How do I make that happen?”
There are so many options available to begin choosing yourself while also nurturing healthy relationships. Below are three for you to consider.
Know Your Needs: Three Practices to Reclaim Self-Choice
Everyone has needs and everyone is doing the best they can to get their needs met. One problem I see in this day and age, where everything moves so fast, is that it’s hard to really know what those needs are at any given moment. Add to this that conditioned people-pleasing teaches you that your needs aren’t as important as someone else’s and it’s easy to understand how you aren’t paying attention or acknowledging your very own needs.
Here are three practices to begin the process of self-choosing:
Values and Needs Identification
It’s crucial to get clear with yourself what you value and need generally in your life and in the fluctuating moments of each day. For many people-pleasing individuals there is little self-awareness in this area because the focus has defaulted to the values and needs of others. Please know there is nothing wrong with you if you struggle to identify what you need.
There are four key areas of life in which people spend the most time. I would encourage you to look at the “universal needs” list and write down all of the ones that resonate with you most (you can have multiple) in each of these four areas:
Relationships (include partner, extended family, social, professional)
Career/Purpose (include current position and future endeavors)
Play/Leisure (include hobbies, recreational/enjoyable activities)
Health (include physical, emotional, and spiritual)
You can ask yourself, “What is most important for me to experience? What do I need?” Marshall Rosenberg provided a list of universal needs which you may find helpful reviewing if you’d like support in becoming clearer about yours.
Part of this process is understanding that while you may share similar values and needs with others in your life, everyone prioritizes on a gradient scale and you won’t be fully aligned with others all the time. In fact, there may be competing needs even within yourself. This can be a struggle to make space for, particularly with the habit of making sure others are happy. Which brings us to practice #2.
Permission Giving
You are allowed to have needs and live by your values, even when others do not agree or like them. You get to say “no.” You can give yourself permission to put yourself first. It is similar to validation and mirrors self-compassion practices. You are allowed to have two different needs at the same time and for it to be okay that you choose one over another at any given moment.
This practice may hit upon the feeling of guilt. Interestingly enough, guilt arises when your actions are not in alignment with your values. Guilt is a feeling we learn by way of the values/standards we are taught to live by – what we are meant to feel when we make a mistake or don’t follow the rules. When this occurs, I encourage you to ask yourself, “What value do I believe I am going against?” Can you identify if it is your own value you desire to live by or one that was taught to you with which you may no longer align? You have permission to release the feeling of guilt for not living by someone else’s value.
Examples of language to say to yourself include:
“I need _____ and I give myself permission for that to be important to me.”
“It’s okay if others have different needs than me.”
“I’m allowed to engage with my need before engaging in someone else’s need.”
“I give myself permission to prioritize ____ before _____.”
“Self-choosing is healthy for me and others.”
Please come up with your own permission giving phrases. The more individualized they are to you, the more deeply you will connect with them and believe them!
Setting and Holding Boundaries
This can be complex. Entire books are written about boundaries. It is often the focus in multiple therapy sessions. If this is an area you struggle with, I encourage you to find additional support beyond what I offer here. One great resource is from Nedra Glover Tawwab and her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
With that said, I want to impart my wisdom from 16+ years as a therapist and my own personal pursuit of releasing my people-pleasing habits. When you say “yes” to someone else when you don’t really want to, you are saying “no” to yourself. It’s the premise of self-abandonment. What can make setting and holding boundaries easier is to first identify your needs coupled with giving yourself permission to self-choose (practices 1 and 2 above).
Understanding exactly what a boundary is and what it is not can also be really helpful in your process. Most of the time, people confuse boundaries with requests and then get frustrated when they perceive their boundaries as being crossed. The distinction: A request expects another person to change their behavior. A boundary expects you to change your behavior.
Here is an example: If I value my physical health I likely desire an adequate amount of sleep each night. I know I need to be in bed by 10pm, so I make the decision not to interact with anyone on the phone after 9:30pm. My boundary is that I do not answer phone calls or respond to text messages after 9:30pm. My request is that you do not call or text me after 9:30pm. Which one do I have control over? What happens when you forget and you call or text me? If I answer the outreach, who is actually crossing the boundary? Now, I’m allowed to feel frustrated that I stated my request and you have not followed the request. I’m also allowed to feel whatever emotions show up if you express feeling bothered that I didn’t respond to you. That doesn’t mean the boundary has to change.
Every time you set a boundary, you are responsible for holding and maintaining it.
You are the only one who can let it go or cross it. You are allowed to make requests and keep in mind that anytime you ask someone to change their behavior, they get to say “no.” That also includes you. If someone else gets to say “no,” so do you. If other people are putting themselves first, so do you. Your boundaries are important to you, though they might not be to other people. Self-choosing means honoring your needs and boundaries even when others don’t. And wouldn’t you know, when you honor yourself the people who you truly honor you will have no issue with your boundaries.
Ongoing Practice, Not Perfection
My journey as a recovering people-pleaser has taught me that the work of self-choosing will never truly be finished; it is a lifelong practice. I fully expect to be 80 years old sitting in my rocking chair, occasionally needing to pause and gently choose myself over abandoning my own needs. If you've found this journey difficult, you'll likely find that this continuous commitment is necessary for you as well.
Perhaps you've noticed a deeper element that makes stopping people-pleasing incredibly hard. In Part 4 of this series, we will examine how shame uses control as a protective tactic.
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