Unmasking Shame: How to Release Its Grip and Unlock Your Full Self | Part 4, Control

We all want control. We do all sorts of things to obtain it. We even layer other behaviors on top of it and call it something else. Control is one of shame’s favorite tactics because it keeps you distracted. Have you ever slowed down to ask yourself what’s the benefit? 

In this post, we’re going to delve into the relationship between control and shame by exploring:

1. How control shapes other tactics and is influenced by shame.

2. The emotion directly linked to control and what it’s helping you avoid.

3. Two keys to releasing control.

4. A practice to support you realigning to your goals and desires

My aim is for you to cultivate intentional control that fosters growth and allows you to put down shame’s tricks that otherwise keep you stuck.

The Hidden Power of Control: What We Do to Avoid Pain

It’s quite impressive just how hard humans work to control, well, everything: ourselves, other people, situations, environments.  

Control falls into two categories: what you do to make something happen or what you do to make something stop. The behavioral manifestation of control will depend on the situation you’re in and your personal history. 

You may be surprised to learn that procrastination, perfectionism, and people-pleasing are all expressions of control. Control also looks like:

• racing thoughts

• over-giving

• stepping in and taking over

• not asking for or accepting the help from another

• defensiveness and over-explaining

Underneath all the habits of control resides shame, calling the shots. Shame uses control to do its dirty work. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you may remember that I said shame’s ultimate goal is to avoid pain. What better way to avoid pain than to attempt to control every aspect of your life to ensure you never experience shame?

But what are you really trying to avoid through control anyway?  

To understand the answer to that question, I need to orient you to the emotion that sounds the alarm shame activates.

The Edge of Control: How Your Nervous System Reacts to Fear

Imagine you’ve made your way to the top of a mountain. Take a moment to scan your surroundings and see the view. Notice how you feel emotionally and physically in this experience. Now, because you’re curious you may find yourself moving to various parts of this peak; possibly to take pictures from different angles. At some point you make your way towards the edge. You look out at the view. Notice the sensations in this moment. With even more curiosity you choose to look down over the edge. What is the first feeling you sense? What is the first thought you have? What is the next action you take?

If you answered those questions with a flutter in your stomach, tightness in your chest, a sense of worry or anxiety, or maybe the thought, “I’m so high up, that is really far down, what if I fall, what if I get hurt, what if I die,” and immediately take a step back away from the edge, you’re human and responded the exact same way as everyone I have asked to visualize this scenario. 

Notice how fast you went from looking at the view, to looking over the edge, to stepping away? That’s how quickly your nervous system is designed to protect you. The threat of pain and possible death is enough to pull you away at rapid speed, even when there is no evidence that you will actually fall and get injured.

Shame is an automatic, protective response. It doesn’t give space or time, it reacts quickly. If you slowed down and took a breath in this scenario you might notice that you’re standing on solid ground. The mountain is not crumbling. You are not falling. Do you truly need to step back? Does your worry need to take over the experience driving you to get off the mountain? Can you stand here a little longer, bring yourself back to the view, and connect with what is present?

Control is the immediate survival-based solution to eliminate worry. Which is ironic because what tends to be the things you worry about the most? You’re on a roll if you recognize the answer is everything outside of your control! Because as the saying goes, “If I had control, I wouldn’t worry.”    

But control is not the only way to release worry nor is it the only way to get what you want.

The Antidote within Trust and Surrender

To understand the impact control has in your life, I want to guide you through another imagery. In this experience, imagine yourself on a trail that is parallel to a river. You’re moving along the trail and enjoying the woods. Take in the sights, sounds, and smells. Notice the speed with which the water in the river moves. As you continue to traverse the trail, you suddenly find yourself slipping down the embankment towards the water. What’s the first feeling you sense? What’s the first thought you have? What’s the next action you take? 

Maybe everything happens so fast that you aren’t even aware of what you’re thinking. You’re simply reacting on instincts. What are those instincts? It would make a lot of sense if you find yourself grabbing at branches, roots, or rocks; anything to keep you from falling in. Let’s say you’re successful and now you’re holding on to tree roots for dear life while you hang off the side of the embankment. But you can’t get a grip well enough to make it back up to the trail. Your arms and hands are starting to get really tired. There is an option you’ve been avoiding, doing anything you can to not choose it. Let go.

Why? What’s the worst thing you imagine happening if you were to end up in the river? It’s possible what you’re thinking could happen. It’s also possible something completely opposite could happen. What if you trusted and allowed yourself to surrender?

Shame will use control to tell you, “You can’t handle it. You’re not capable,” which undermines any trust you may have in yourself. Shame won’t allow you to open your grip and experiment with possibility. Instead, shame maintains that the risk of pain is far greater than the risk of reward. 

But gripping on to the side of an embankment hoping you won’t fall in and that someone will come along to rescue you keeps you stuck. And it isn’t without pain.

So you see, pain is a part of any experience. An incredible truth to consider is that you get to choose what kind of pain you want to feel – the pain that comes when you’re going after your dreams or the pain that comes when you’re letting them go (by engaging in avoidance).

Imagine what becomes available to you when you release control and allow yourself to trust and surrender.

Oh, the Possibilities

Releasing our grip, trusting and surrendering is so much easier said than done. I know. Most of us haven’t been given effective tools to support the exploration of what it feels like to trust and surrender. It’s why I’ve created a practice I believe can be incredibly supportive in unhooking from the control shame uses and has you reconnecting with trust in your daily decision-making.

The next time you’re experiencing elevated emotions that feel uncomfortable or maybe even painful, take some time to engage in the following practice:

1. Tune in. Identify the emotions, physical sensations, and any thoughts that arise.

2. Go deeper. As thoughts come up, see if you can move a little deeper to see what is underneath. You might phrase it as “what’s the worst thing about that?” or “what would that mean?”

3. Acknowledge and validate. Recognize the thoughts and possible outcomes you identify could be true and/or could happen. This might sound like, “That could happen,” “that could be true,” or “in a world of infinite possibilities, that is one possible outcome.” Stay open without trying to fix, change, or solve anything.

You may find yourself needing to repeat Steps 2 + 3 multiple times if additional constriction/resistance occurs.

When you feel little to no resistance, then move on to Step 4.

4. Get curious. Ask, “if that could possibly be true and/or occur, what else is possible?” Identify 2-3 additional possible truths or outcomes.

5. Anchor in your truth. With 3-4 choices, consider which one feels the most aligned for you to believe in and focus on. That one becomes the anchor you return your focus to as often as needed whenever the worst case scenario comes back up (and it likely will).

6. Reflect. When the situation has concluded, notice what actually occurred versus the initial thoughts you had about the situation.

Though there is not an expected outcome with this practice, the common experience clients share with me is a feeling of relief or calmness, coupled with clarity of thought. Personal power and trust in self that, “I can handle this,” comes into focus that makes it possible to identify what you do have control over and the aligned action you want to take.

Again, this isn’t about eliminating shame, but rather about increasing awareness and fostering a relationship of collaboration with yourself so you can best determine when you need to be kept safe and when you desire to take a risk.

Faith Ties It All Together

Clearly, control can be tricky and sticky. Reading this may have left you feeling overwhelmed (check out Part 1 on Procrastination), embarrassed (check out Part 2 on Perfectionism), or disappointed (check out Part 3 on People Pleasing). Remember, shame just wants to protect you from pain and it has mastered all these habits that have helped you over the years. Change takes patience, repetition, and faith. Speaking of which, there is one final tactic shame utilizes to protect you from pain that I will introduce to you in Part 5 of this series. I trust it will tie everything together and have it all make so much sense.

Written by Natalie Seibel, LPC, who guides women in reclaiming their power through the identity shifts over their lifespan.